Have you ever been out in public, waiting in traffic or standing in line and suddenly you notice some guy in the corner scratching his groin and then he starts moving and he looks like he might be coming towards you and all you can think is “If he tries to shake my hand I’ll fake an epileptic attack and hope to God he doesn’t know CPR.” And why do we think that? Well the main difference between that guy and the executive whose hand you did shake earlier that morning is that you actually SAW this guy scratching.
Yes, my friend, ignorance is bliss. Do you wash your hands with Purell every time you greet someone? How about right there on the moment? Do you go “Hey, how you doing? Nice meeting you. Wait, let me get some Purell in case you were scratching your ass just before this meeting. There, much better. Would you like some? Cause I was picking my nose earlier. Now, about those questionable tax exemptions…”
It’s the kind of thing you really would rather not think about. Isn’t it nice of me to bring it to your attention on my blog? Like for example. When you are in a restaurant and your waiter disappears for half an hour… do you ever wonder where he goes? Is he taking a smoke break? Is he taking a breather from your constant petty whining about how your tea isn’t sweet enough and your queso dip has a human toe in it? Maybe he’s locked in the bathroom crying over the pointlessness of his life and how much he hates this job… and bad tippers like you as he plans the safest way to sabotage your food. Maybe he’s having a quickie with the assistant manager. The point is, you’d rather not know. Because if you did know, you would find a hundred different reasons why you would rather pull stick your hand in a bag full of rabid squirrels than be served by this guy again.
Do you ever wonder what flight attendants do on long flights after everyone has their bag of peanuts and their two ounces of coke and their blankets and headphones and cute little bottles of Vodka. They have to amuse themselves somehow. You ever notice that if you sneak up on one of them they look at you suspiciously? What were they doing that makes them suspect you? I think they spend most of their time badmouthing the passengers and discussing who’s going to clean the bathroom after the next couple who decides to join the Mile-high Club.
And while we’re in the airplane bathroom… Have you noticed that the water faucet wont stay open? The stupid thing closes as soon as you let go! I mean, you have to actually keep it open with one hand while you grab soap with the other one and then how do you rub your hands together? If you let go and rub both hands the water stops and now you have two soapy hands and no water. If you open the faucet with one of your soapy hands, not only do you put soap on the handle, you have no way of rubbing your other hand to make sure all the soap is off. So you end up rubbing your fingers together like you’re playing with a piece of Playdough but as soon as you try to rinse the other hand, you get soap on the one you just rinsed because there is soap all over the damn handle! And while you’re working out this mess some asshole who should have known better than to eat a bowl of Chili before boarding a plane, keeps banging on your door and you pray to every deity you can think of that you wont have to shake his hand later on.
I don’t know, I find it all pretty frustrating. Which leads me to the next question. If you’re a flight attendant and you have to use the bathroom right before all the food needs to get served, cause when you gotta go you gotta go… do you really go through all this hassle and frustration just so you can wash your hands? How many of them just go “Screw it, no one is gonna know if I washed my hands or not.” And it’s true! It’s not like you can hear the water running over all the noise made by the plane’s engine. They could be stirring your coffee with their finger and you wouldn’t be the wiser.
Indeed… ignorance is bliss.
Enjoy that sandwich!
Originally Published 09/01/2009