I’ve been around for a while. Over the years, experience has taught me to be more tolerant of opinions that differ from mine. I have learned to embrace diversity. After all, a man who disagrees with me is as worthy an asshole as anyone else. Truly, who am I to judge your absurd beliefs or offhandedly discard your idiotic, irrelevant opinion simply because I disagree with you? What kind of jerk would do something like that? No. We must learn to be more tolerant. All of us. I think this beautiful blue planet is large enough to accommodate all opinions, whether it’s my opinion, or the absolute wrong opinion. It’s all valid! Almost.

People really need to understand that we are all equal. My superior intellect, looks and charisma do not make me any better than a pathetic worm like you. That would be complete nonsense! We are all children of the universe and I understand that. That is why I will do my very best every day to show those miserable shitheads whose misguided sense of self-worth leads them to believe they are my equals, that they are, in fact, just as good as me. Maybe even better.

Although that’s unlikely.

Impossible, really. But I digress.

Out of the goodness of my vast, golden heart, which bleeds for wretches like you, I will do my very best to bring a little joy to that deep, dark, nightmarish pit of despair you call a life. I will extend my generous hands and pat you condescendingly on the head. Lightly. Because your hair gel is gross. But I will do it anyway.

Because I care.

And I love all of you cretins.

I’m glad we had this talk. Have a lovely and fulfilling day, you adorable imbeciles.