SPOILER ALERT: If you have not yet watched Disney’s Frozen, you might want to go do that. Right now. Seriously, it’s a great movie. Go watch it. Then come back and read this. Or don’t. But watch it anyway.
OK, moving on.
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Trolls are morons.
No, I’m not talking about internet trolls. Although those are also morons and frequently unrepentant assholes as well. But I refer to those little weird creatures in the movie “Frozen” who roll around like Weasel Balls and perform surprisingly well choreographed shotgun weddings.
Yes, that is definitely the face of ancient wisdom. Let’s do what he says.
The trolls are supposed to be the go-to purveyors of wisdom for all things related to unusual abilities and/or supernatural curses. At the beginning of the movie, ice-powered child Elsa accidentally hits her little sister Anna with a blast of snow while they played. Under normal circumstances this would only result in the affected child brushing the snow off her face and preparing an appropriate response in the form of a payback snowball.
In the magical world of Disney, however, this results in a plot device and Anna’s life is placed in jeopardy because… magic! Their parents, who happen to be royalty because otherwise they wouldn’t be in a Disney movie, go visit the aforementioned trolls in order to prevent Anna from turning into an adorable ice sculpture, and the first question out of the elder troll’s mouth is… was she cursed or was she born this way?
Wait, what?
Ok, I’m a little new to the whole “curse” scene and can not really claim to be an expert, but if someone were to ask me to provide a suitable curse, I could come up with a few ideas. Falling asleep for years until some guy with an impossibly good haircut and disregard for the word “consent” comes around and kisses you back to life? That would be a curse. Marginally.
Stealing Aztec gold and turning into a Halloween decoration every time the moon is out? Definitely a curse. Although if your normal look is “Geoffrey Rush”, the implications become less clear. But, getting stuck with a pissed off Keira Knightley in your pirate ship? That’s just a sadistic level of curse, even for Geoffrey Rush.
You know what I wouldn’t think of using as a curse? Ice super powers. Because what that old troll was asking is, “Was this child born this way or did someone, at some point say ‘That kid is pissing me off. I shall curse her with the power to create and manipulate ice and snow and I shall make her so powerful she’ll be able to build an entire ice castle in the course of one song and bring about a small to moderate ice age without even knowing it.’ Is that what happened?”
And in all fairness, Elsa’s power does feel like a curse at first, because she can’t control it and it must royally suck to unwillingly turn your Coke into a slushie if someone pisses you off while you’re drinking it. But controlling the power is clearly within her capabilities, so it is only a matter of time before she learns to do so.
In fact, it is quite likely Elsa would have learned to control her powers long before they became an issue, turning the whole kingdom into the Icecapades and putting the local ice vendor/reindeer whisperer out of business. That is, if someone had not convinced her to push away the one person in the world that could consistently provide her with the love and stability she needed to get a grip on her abilities.
And by someone, I mean of course, the bloody trolls.
Because in their infinite troll wisdom, they somehow failed to foresee that completely isolating a girl with dangerous magical powers, would most likely result in serious emotional damage. Something you definitely don’t want when a simple temper tantrum can turn everyone around you into Popsicles.
And that’s how we end up with a girl who spends years in absolute solitude and then, predictably enough, snaps on the first socially stressful situation she encounters, resulting in a frozen kingdom, a delusional snowman, and several thousand YouTube videos of different people signing the same damn song.
So, thanks for the great advice to Elsa, guys. If I didn’t know any better I would say you were trolling… her…
Well played.