Today has been such an uneventful day, I literally have nothing to write about. Not a single thing. If I were Shakespeare and I had to write a play today, the actor would walk on stage, yawn, and walk back out. I am completely and wholly uninspired, unmotivated and unapologetic. But that never stopped a good writer. Because a good writer should be able to write about anything even when that anything is nothing at all. So just for today I will pretend to be a good writer and do my best to give you nothing.

So, how do you write about nothing at all, you ask. Or maybe you don’t ask, but only wonder. You ponder and you meditate and you play with your little Zen garden but you never actually utter the question and why would you? What kind of stupid question is that? How can you write about something that is not anything at all? Shut up and listen. Did you hear that? Me neither. Read on.

I’m glad you didn’t ask. It is a fine and ancient art that requires a great deal of skill for you must fill a space, in this case the space of a sheet of paper roughly eight and a half by eleven without accidentally relying any useful information or making a valid point that could be used by a reasonable person to make an informed or uninformed decision. I’m sure you have seen many examples of this gentle art, we normally refer to them as Terms of Use, Legal Disclaimer or Romance Novels (these at least have the merit of being readable by a person of average intellect as long as such a person is willing and able to shut down their higher mental processes for the duration of the book.)

As you might have noticed I have already written three paragraphs and yet I have not made a single point or relayed any useful information to you. Oh yes, I am good. I came dangerously close when I clarified my inclusion of Romance Novels in my list of useless and pointless readings, but such a small bit of information can be easily discarded and is pretty much useless to you unless you intend to read one of those novels tonight. Don’t.

But going back to my situation and lack of inspiration. A day so completely devoid of content is not something that should be taken lightly and quickly forgotten. After all, for a normal healthy human being, most days should bring at least some degree of surprise and unpredictability. For example, it is now 3:30 in the afternoon and I have not yet been killed by a stampede of angry Football hooligans. I couldn’t have predicted that, but it didn’t happen. Not only that but it may still happen. After all, it is only 3:30 in the afternoon. Well, 3:33 now, but that’s not important. Granted, the chances are slim considering that large accumulations of Football hooligans have not been reported in this area, but one should never discard any possibility.

You need another example? Gladly. Did you wake up this morning and thought “This looks like the kind of day when I will read what will be the most pointless and useless compilation of words anyone has ever written.” You did not! And yet here you are. You couldn’t possibly have predicted that. So even if nothing else happened to you today, you can still say life gave you at least one small surprise. I’m glad we got to share this special moment. Feel free to hug your nearest relative or pet. Hopefully tomorrow will bring something better to write about, but if it doesn’t, don’t despair. I will be here.

After all, there’s plenty of nothing out there to write about, and by golly I will find it all.

Originally Published 09/03/2009