I would like to take a brief moment to wish a very happy Birthday to my cousin Ileana who, today, crawls one year closer to senility. Ah, yes, you might think you’re still young and healthy and pretty… well, maybe not pretty… but one day soon you will wake up in the morning and notice something hurts that didn’t used to hurt before and then you will look in the mirror and there’s just the slightest wrinkle there where it used to be all smooth and that is how it all starts going to the pits. Next thing you know you’ll stop reading Vanity Fair and start reading the Bingo listings and meeting your friends for decaf coffee, no sugar please, I’ll use Equal, doctor’s orders. But hey! Don’t think about that stuff now! You’re still young! And it’s your birthday! So enjoy it!

…while you can.

Oh don’t be so gloomy!

So, the rest of you who are not having a birthday today and therefore do not need to worry about your imminent onslaught of senility and dependence on Social Security, I thought we could talk about this health bill thing that keeps making the news these days.

Alright, this is what I know about it. It’s long. It’s complicated. It makes people mad.

Sort of like your average man’s excuse for getting home at three in the morning, except parts of the health bill are actually believable.

I can’t even begin to try to comprehend what is it that we’re really trying to accomplish with this thing. For me, any problem that takes one thousand pages of legal gibberish to solve is better left alone. Then again, I tend to favor anything that makes Sarah Palin make a fool of herself. It’s kind of my secret hobby.

Well, since I am too lazy to read one thousand pages of health bill, I decided to lay out a plan of my own to overhaul the health care industry and make it more cost-efficient. Cause really, guys, at the end of the day, you can shuffle regulations and invent new rules and subsidize this or that but it is all about someone making more money or getting to keep more of the money they already have and that someone, I’m willing to bet, will never be you. So, as soon as we’re done here I’m mailing this proposal to the president for approval and I I’m confident it will do well.

Mythangelo’s Healthcare Plan

A new law will make it illegal for anyone in the United States of America to become sick in any way or for any reason whatsoever.

Anyone that becomes sick will be in violation of the law and therefore will have to be arrested. This will save money by combining ambulances and police cars into a single vehicle with a single driver who will randomly either provide you with emergency health care or beat you into a comma with his baton.

We can expect that at least in L.A., about forty percent of those who are arrested for being sick will be accidentally shot by the police for resisting arrest. This will even include a few that were already in a comma when the arresting officer/paramedic showed up. Again, this will obviously save money.

Another improvement is that all jails and hospital can now be combined into one single building, specially since presently, the only real difference between these two institutions is that in prison, the food is slightly better and so are your chances of survival.

Unfortunately, Double Jeopardy will apply, meaning that you can’t be treated for the same disease twice, which means that your doctor will have to come up with a new diagnosis and a whole new set of expensive drugs in spite of the fact that your symptoms are exactly the same as before. Come to think of it, that’s pretty much the way it is right now so never mind.

Well the rest of my proposal takes up roughly five hundred pages which is still a lot shorter than Obama’s but the real benefit of my plan is that the two biggest bloodsucking crooks in your life, your doctor and your lawyer, will finally be able to work out of the same office Yes, this means they will be perfectly positioned to suck out your money, soul and happiness twice as fast, but this is not about you, as you probably know by now and the point is, we are eliminating the cost of one receptionist. Kaccching!

Take that Obama!

Originally Published 09/11/2009