Man I can barely see straight. I was up until late working on a project. This, however, doesn’t mean I am going to leave you to your fate as you head out into the big bad world. Today’s motivational thought is actually a bit of practical advice for those of you who work your nine to five in an office. Yes, it beats working as a roofer or a sewage plant manager or even a cage cleaner at the zoo, but it still entails risks. That’s right, because staplers can be deadly if not used correctly and everyone knows that a shredder is a lethal weapon if left within reach of the wrong person… like your boss.

So my advice today goes to those bold knights of the pen organizer who brave the treacherous lands of sticky notes and mouse pads. When it comes to the office, there is no place more treacherous than the break room. It’s a dark and dangerous lair where shady deals are made and questionable characters trade in dirty secrets regarding the Receptionist and the Financial Manager and all the time they spend in the copy room after hours. But to find real treachery, you have to go further than the tables and the coffee machine and the microwave over that hasn’t worked since the Civil War.

You have to go to the refrigerator.

That’s right, because no other place is witness to so much treachery and back-stabbing as your break room’s refrigerator. Yes, it’s a dirty thing and it barely even keeps anything cold but where else are you going to keep your humus until lunch time? And inevitably at some point you will be tempted to take something really good to work, like your grandmothers beef casserole or that last piece of flan from last night’s party at Pepe’s. But you know that on the day you do that, you will not get any work done, cause every five minutes you will need to run back to the break room and make sure some sneaky bastard didn’t steal your treasure. Well here’s my bit of advice to you for such a situation.

Always, always, always use a decoy.

That’s right, take something else with you that looks really good but is in fact a rotting insult to nature, like that slice of cake that has been sitting on your fridge since before the invention of the DVD. Place that item in front of the real treasure, in a very visible and inviting way. You see cake can stay looking good forever, even after it starts tasting like dead maggots and while your victim goes for the decoy and curses life after the first bite, your treasure is safely hidden in a bag right under their nose.

But lets say you have nothing like that at hand, maybe you’re one of those freaks that cleans their fridge regularly. Not to fear. In that case you can always set-up your decoy by hiding the real treasure behind a regular piece of pie… laced with a healthy dose of laxatives.

One last thing. If you do decide to follow this advice, you might want to stay clear of the bathrooms for the rest of the day. Have a good one!

Originally Published 09/15/2009