So my kid made me buy him a box of Uncrustables the other day. You may not even know what the hell that is if you don’t have children (good for you), but basically they are apathy and laziness expertly combined into something that halfassedly pretends to be a PB&J sandwich. They are also round, just in case there was even the slightest chance of this manufacturing accident being confused with an actual sandwich.I had never bought them or eaten them, because I am always within fast reach of a loaf of bread and a jar of JIF and I keep my last remaining ounces of dignity in my back pocket to help in such decisions. But the kid must have had them in school at some point and he decided to get a box of the stuff at the supermarket.
Now, one of the main advantages of a PB&J sandwich (an actual PB&J sandwich, that is), aside from being delicious, is that it’s fast to prepare. You’re hungry, so you reach for the bread, get the peanut butter, jar of jelly from the fridge, and you’re eating within the minute. You can feed the whole family in one commercial break. Even Ramen, the great god of college students lacking both time and money, takes longer to prepare. Best invention in the history of civilization, as far as I’m concerned.
Anyway my kid wants his Uncrustable today, after ignoring it for almost a week. So I take the box out of the freezer, because they come frozen and you have to keep them frozen, which is something that no self-respecting PB&J sandwich should ever have to endure. I take one of these things out of the box and then turn the box to figure out what to do with it. Stick it in the toaster? Microwave? Boil it? Roast it? Pray for heavenly fire? Nope. Here is a summary of the instructions:
WAIT.
That’s right. These little abominations are to be kept frozen until ready to eat, at which point you take them out of the freezer and let them thaw on the counter from 30 to 60 minutes, which gives you plenty of time to reconsider your life choices.
30. to 60. MINUTES! AKA… ONE FREAKING HOUR!
Are you &$%#*& kidding me? I can make several round trips to McDonalds in 30 to 60 minutes. I can prepare a full three-course meal in 30 to 60 minutes! Desserts included! I’m not going to wait 30 to 60 minutes to eat the saddest excuse ever made for a PB&J sandwich. A 30 to 60 minute wait at any restaurant practically guarantees someone’s not getting tipped. I actually had to read the directions a few times because I was sure I was missing something. But I wasn’t. You really have to wait 30 to 60 minutes to eat the least satisfying PB&J sandwich money can buy.
I tried to explain this to my kid, but children often have difficulties processing large amounts of bullshit so he insisted he wanted to eat his weird non-sandwich right bloody now. Gave it to him. Poor guy didn’t even have to bite into it to realize that was not going to be possible since the damn thing was frozen solid, as it will happen after a few days inside a freezer. I tried to leave it aside so he could eat it in an hour, but he was so upset he grabbed it and threw it back in the freezer. It was a reasonable reaction, although I would have aimed for the trash can.
I suppose if one is to be fair, Uncrustables do have one legitimate use, and it is to be included in the school lunch box for your kids if you have nothing better to give them, since it should theoretically thaw by the time lunch period comes around. But aside from that, I can’t imagine who is keeping this product on the market.
Fear not, however, for this tale has a happy ending. As I mentioned above, I always have bread and peanut butter within reach, so I made him a real PB&J sandwich, the preparation of which took me, get this, 30 to 60 SECONDS!
He took slightly less than that to eat the whole thing.
Incidentally, if anyone wants a recently opened box of Uncrustables, send me your address and I’ll mail them to you. Should be ready to eat by the time you receive them. Probably.