This is your OUTDATED February 2005
MYTHOSCOPE

Aries
Mercury is on Venus this month... or it might be Mars. We can't be sure because they are both hiding behind the moon. Either way, now it is not the best time to shove your hand into a running garbage processor. You will receive a letter this month, it will mean nothing to you, but answer it anyway... unless you stuck your hand into a running garbage processor, in which case, smack yourself with your good hand and take a nap.

Leo
Business will bloom this month... but not for you. Take time to admire the soft, changing tones of your unpaid bills as your car is repossessed by the bank and resold to your ex-boss for a fraction of what you already paid for it. His business is not blooming either, apparently. See? There's a little ray of sunshine for you.

Sagittarius
Now is the time to buy a good car for a low price. Incidentally, the guy up at Leo is getting his car repossessed, just so you know. Unfortunately, his ex-boss is going to buy it, so if you're not him, ignore the previous tip. Instead, you're gonna get an ulcer and your left ear will fall off. Hey! It can't all be good news!

Taurus
Good news! You will receive a bonus this month due to your excellent performance. In spite of this, your dead-end job will continue to seem pointless and astoundingly boring. But keep up the good work and some day the company will give you a cubicle that's almost five inches larger than yours and from which you can actually see the reflection of the light that comes in through the window's of your boss' enormous corner office. Your lucky numbers are 4,0,1 and K.

Virgo
All your children hate you and think you're a fool... except for one, the youngest one. He does hate you and think you're a fool but he's not really yours (Talk to your mailman about that one). Be patient and understanding and in a few years they will no longer hate you. They will pity you and still think you're a fool... except for the youngest one, who will find out he's not really yours and will therefore know for a fact that you're a fool. But he will not pity you.

Capricorn
Those of you who pay any attention to this part of the website, well, you have our pity, but that aside; you may have noticed that this part of the February Mythoscope was actually a re-run of last month's entry. Well, we would like to say that it was intentional and that there is a good reason for it... but we can't. The sad and simple truth is... there is a government conspiracy to take over all Starbucks in the planet and turn them into centers of alien investigation and Elvis Presley museums. This fact was revealed by the stars in the Capricorn constellation and was therefore suppressed by the CIA, FBI and Microsoft. For any questions regarding this statement, please refer to the bovine logo to your left. Thank you.

Gemini
One of your friends will win the lottery this month. Unfortunately, it is the same friend your wife is having an affair with, and you probably don't need a psychic to tell you that this means a happy ending for everyone but you. If you're a woman, ignore the previous prediction, instead go on a shopping spree to Macy's with your husband's credit card and then donate it all to the Salvation Army.

Libra
You will prosper financially this month, but keep in mind that money doesn't buy everything. For example, it will not buy you the warm fuzzy feeling you get when you hear on the phone the voice of your mother-in-law saying she fell on the bathtub and broke seven toes. Money also won't buy you the sinking feeling you'll get when she tells you she has to move in with you for a few months while she recovers... good thing you're prospering.

Aquarius
We apologize to our Aquarius readers out there. There has been an unfortunate accident in which the astrologer who was in charge of this part of the Mythoscope was killed when a two-ton telescope fell on him. It seems he had been trying to actually look at the constellations in an effort to present a more accurate Mythoscope... poor, foolish man. He missed our mission completely and nearly corrupted our pure content of high quality bull. Tragic. In spite of what the police might tell you, however, it was an accident. Really.

Cancer
Take time to stop and smell the flowers, this month. If you're a gardener, take a coffee break instead. Your romantic life will take an unexpected turn when your fiance suddenly bursts into flames while riding a toy carroussel horse in K-Mart. The horse will suffer only minor burns, but the K-Mart manager will try to charge you for the full horse anyway. Do your shopping at a regular store next time, you penny-pinching dork.

Scorpio
You will get cancer... no, wait. Sorry, we keep getting this constellation wrong... You will MEET a Cancer. That would be the fellah up there whose fiance just burst into flames. Tragic, yes. Anyway, luck seems to be going your way, but you should stay away from carroussel horses just in case, and also K-Mart. And rabid hyenas. Good luck!

Pisces
There will be a world of activity in your house this month. Mostly from the termites who will leave you sleeping in a frame of pipes and wiring. Your stars also say that you should put more time into home improvement, but we can all see how that's going to be pointless pretty soon. Instead, take a vacation to Mexico, get drunk with tequila and marry a cross-eyed prison bus driver from Brazil. What do you care? It's not like you have to go home any time soon.

Copyright © 2005 Mythangelo Corp.

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