This is your January 2005
MYTHOSCOPE

Aries
Expand your horizons this month by doing something
you've never tried before... like washing your own
laundry. Your parent's basement will mysteriously
flood with raw sewage, forcing you to find your own
place to live. Tip: It won't be an accident.

Leo
People will like being around you this month. That's
probably because you will be holding the only working
flashlight during the upcoming blackout. There will be
an unexpected obstacle in your way. Unfortunately,
someone will steal your flashlight and you will fall
flat on your face. Your lucky numbers are 9-1-1.

Sagittarius
Good fortune smiles on you this month as the moon
crosses Mars and Venus hops over Jupiter, trips and
crashes into Saturn. You will receive a love letter
from your high school sweetheart who is now a swimsuit
supermodel. It will be addressed to your hideously ugly neighbor
Bob. Be a good sport and take it over to him. If you're a woman, Bob is your husband...sadly enough. Tear up the letter as soon as you get it.

Taurus
Your mother-in-law will call this month. Her house is
being treated for termites, fleas and vampire bats,
and she needs a place to stay. Now is the right time
to take that vacation to Australia you've been
dreaming of. Send a postcard to your lawyer while
you're there, you'll need his services when you get
back.

Virgo
An old secret will come back to haunt you very soon.
Face it like a man and stop whinnying about the
uselessness of contraceptives. If you are a woman,
ignore the previous statement, instead, you will win a
small prize at the local lottery, but the IRS will
keep most of it. Your lucky numbers are 27 12 34 3 5
and 10... but those are not the ones you will win the
lottery with.

Capricorn
The ties that have held you down and kept you from
feeling free and fulfilled will be taken away this
month. When this happens, remember to check in with
your parole officer within 24 hours and don't leave
the state. Also, your uncle's cousin's sister-in-law's
fifth grade math teacher will break a leg while
playing monopoly. It will be completely irrelevant to
you.

Gemini
Uranus in on Saturn, which means that now is the time
to buy a new car. It could also mean that your liver
is going to fall off, we can't be sure. Just in case,
buy a car anyway, that way you'll have a way to get to
the ER when your liver falls off. You have no lucky
numbers this month, but since you'll spend all your
money in a new car you should try to play the lottery
anyway.

Libra
Don't be afraid to pursue your desires this month,
nothing can get in your way... other than that
ridiculous restraining order, of course. You will see
a new door open for you as many others close on your
face, mostly those of your friends and family. The new
door leads to a place you've never been before. Walk
through it, punch your time card and get to work.

Aquarius
Your mailbox will overflow this month. Ninety-nine
percent of it will be spam. You will also get an
e-mail with an interesting and potentially profitable
offer, but you will accidentally delete it while
trying to get rid of all that spam. By the way, If you
give us your address, we can send this horoscope
straight to your mailbox, and then share your email
with our two hundred-thousand partners who have a
variety of valuable and reasonably priced crap to sell
you.

Cancer
Fortune smiles on you and you will make some extra
money this month... but the IRS will keep most of it
and your spouse will divorce you and take whatever's
left. Try not to see life as a series of calamities,
instead, see it as one large calamity with small,
annoying commercial breaks. Also, someone stole your
remote control.

Scorpio
A close family member will die this month... no wait.
Sorry, we were looking at the constellation upside
down. That's not right at all. OK, here it is. A close
family member will KILL YOU, this month. Well, aren't
you relieved...

Pisces
You will have an unexpected guest this month, most
likely a skunk, although it could be your lawyer (they
look the same on our charts). Either way, it's gonna
stink. Take the initiative to be proactive and do
absolutely nothing today, the rewards will be
immediate. Your lucky numbers are the phone numbers of
your local pizza place and the Shopping Network.

Copyright © 2004 Mythangelo Corp.

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