This is your July 2005
MYTHOSCOPE

Aries
Your luck will change this month... for the worse. Take time to admire the beautiful things in life, like the window displays at Macy's, full of things you'll never be able to afford, specially when your luck makes that change and your bank account gets so red bulls become attracted to your monthly statement. Your lucky numbers are 0,0 and -0.

Leo
Jupiter is on Mars today, which makes for a very intimidated Mars (He has low self-esteem). Sort of like you, this month. Your self esteem will take a major hit when your mother picks your second cousin twice removed as her favorite family member in a pointless game show. Things will improve for a while after that, until your mother dies and leaves her 2.7 million dollars bank account to her two siamese cats and the New Jersey Salvation Army.

Sagittarius
Family is important to you. Mostly because you're broke and everyone else isn't. Take time to work on your relation with your aunts and uncles, as they have the most money. Specially uncle Chuck, who just sued the local Seven Eleven for damages caused by a frozen hotdog which hit him in the forehead during an argument with the old guy on the counter. He recovered fine, but not the hotdog, which was thawed and eaten during a Presbyterian church picnic two days later.

Taurus
Your love life will be greatly improved this month when your wife runs away with the pool cleaner's nephew's dentist's manicurist. Take the opportunity to express your freedom in ways you never have before, like finding a job and taking regular showers.

Virgo
We see a vacation in your future... but it's not your vacation. Yes indeed, seems like your boss will be going to Aruba this month and will leave you in charge... of completing all his projects which are three months overdue and overseeing the shredding of utterly unimportant documents.

Capricorn
Some of you, those that lead slightly duller lives than the rest of us, might have actually noticed that we haven't had a Mythoscope for the last three months. There's a good and very significant reason for this. Our astrologers are lazy bums who would rather spend their nights drinking diet Dr. Pepper and watching re-runs of Alf and Who's the Boss than looking up at the sky and making up absurd prediction about your hopeless future. Well, after begging, bribing and threatening, they finally got it in gear and here we are. Except for the one in charge of Capricorn, who doesn't like diet Dr. Pepper and was therefore not on the meeting. We believe he's somewhere in Minnesota building a fake wishing well.

Gemini
You will find six lucky numbers this month. Unfortunately, it will be the incomplete phone number for that really hot girl you met last weekend at the club and who for reasons that defy reality and common sense, wanted to go on a date with you. Our best guess is that your sweaty fingers smeared the seventh number into oblivion along with any chances you had of a social life. Your lucky numbers are... nah, we're messing with you, we don't know either.

Libra
You will prosper financially this month, but keep in mind that money doesn't buy everything. For example, it will not buy you the warm fuzzy feeling you get when you hear on the phone the voice of your mother-in-law saying she fell on the bathtub and broke seven toes. Money also won't buy you the sinking feeling you'll get when she tells you she has to move in with you for a few months while she recovers... good thing you're prospering.

Aquarius
Hi... I am the guy who replaced Benny, the astrologer who was in charge of Aquarius who, as you all know, was killed by his telescope a few months ago. I'm not an astrologer. I'm not even sure what astrologer means. I usually deliver chinese food to the guys that work here, but they told me I would get fifty bucks to look at the sky and make a prediction so... ok, I looked up and I saw two crows and a helicopter...some clouds... not sure what it means. Um... I predict the New York Yankees will win a game or two this season and my neighbor Josh will mow his lawn tomorrow. I hope this helped you in planning your life and all that. Thank you. PS: If you like Chow Mein and fried rice, call Jin Yun's Eatery! Thanks.

Cancer
Venus is crossing over Mercury this month, which can only mean one thing: my telescope is broken and I am guessing. In any case, it is time for you to step back and look at the big picture. Do not look at the small broken pieces of your life that don't seem to fit together, instead, step back and look at the hopeless mess of your existence as a chaotic, pointless whole. If you're jumping from a bridge in the near future, please consider making a donation on your will to the Association of Phoney Star Gazers. Thanks.

Scorpio
This is not the right time to try cord-less bungee jumping over a river filled with crocodiles and piranhas. Maybe next month? Meanwhile, make good use of the time you have left by organizing your pantry and calling everyone you ever hurt and bragging about the fact that you got away with it. We'll see you here next month with the next big step of your life. Don't forget the bungee cord... no wait, that's right, you won't need one.

Pisces
The lovely airs of summer are here. You will be lovingly caressed by a swarm of angry wasps on your next picnic. It will be terribly amusing for your mother-in-law, your kids and your pastor (he doesn't like you either, says you keep snoring on the best parts of his sermons). If you survive this loving embrace, do your best to pull yourself together in time for next week's sermon: Why the Disciples fell asleep. Your special sound effects will be needed at last.

Copyright © 2005 Mythangelo Corp.

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