This is the very first article on the Mythangelo Library files. You gotta start with something, no? I will be adding more as they are written by our various demented but highly talented writers. This month's article, Ari Makes A Run for It, was written by Ari's official biographer, Jouse Kidden, who was recently rehired by the Mythangelo Corporation after a lengthy legal litigation (can you say that ten times in a row?) that ended with a settlement and two rich lawyers.
Ureed N. Ezing
Librarian
Ari Makes a Run For It
by Jouse Kidden, BS
August 22, 2004
Well those of you who have read my official authorized, or rather, tolerated biography of Ari know that I can't stand the guy and yet ironically it falls on me to chronicle his adventures, or in this case, his lack of them. If you have not read the biography... then you are fortunate to have been spared. Rejoice on your good fortune and read on, if you dare.
Ari was born in the tropical island of Cuba some time in the seventies. I suppose one could find out the exact year... if one cared enough. He was born in a hospital, and other than his peculiar purple and dirty green color at the moment of birth, it was a rather unremarkable event. He was born naked, purple and ugly, and then he got worse.
Fast forward a decade or so during which nothing of importance happened to him and we arrive at the moment that concerns this article. That was when Ari's parents decided life was not supposed to be miserable, difficult and hopeless and figured things might be a little better somewhere else; like Miami. So they went there, except that they didn't. They went to Panama instead.
There are 90 miles between Cuba and Key West. Add about another 200 to Miami, give or take. That's 290 miles, at 60 miles an hour... wait... I know this one... right, that's a little less than five hours. OK, some parts of the freeway are under repairs and the coast guard doesn't like people going too fast, add another hour. That's still six hours from Havana to Will Smith's favorite city.
It took these people one year to make it there. Why? Read on.
Like I said, Ari and his parents flew to Panama (that's in Central America, man, put down that map and keep reading) where they found out the true definition of scorching hot. The plan was a quick stop in Panama City for three days and then moving on to Ecuador (that's South America, Marco Polo) which, yes, is even farther away from Miami. Unfortunately, there was a small glitch with the "three-days" plan. You see, someone at the Panama City Airport borrowed Ari Sr.'s passport and forgot to give it back. Result, they all got stuck in Panama for three months courtesy of the Panama government.
During this time, the family coined and redefined the term "financially handicapped" and Ari got to experience for the first time what everyone else on the U.S. had been doing for years; looking through pretty display windows at a bunch of really cool stuff he couldn't afford. Now, Panama is actually a nifty place, scorching heat aside, where buses look like modern art pieces and play music so loud you can hear them coming three days away. They might have had a good time over there, had their total assets been more than fifty cents. It also might have helped if they had not gotten caught in the middle of a violent revolution.