Welcome, readers. For those of you who have been with us for a while (can't imagine why you're still here), you might remember Mr. Jouse Kidden, who in spite of holding a deep dislike for Mr. Ari, is still charged with his biographical accounts. This new entry in the absurd yet strangely amusing tales of Ari's life, relates his valiant quest for love.
That might be overstating it a bit, since he never actually quested for anything. More like sat around and got smacked by it. Rather than a brave Christopher Columbus, searching for a new land, he would be more like Isaac Newton, napping under a tree and getting hit on the head by the apple of love.
That's Ari, and this is his story.
Ureed N. Ezing
Librarian
Note from Librarian: Mr. Jouse Kidden attributes Ari's failure to score during high school to a lack of initiative on his part. However, my personal research has led me to a different conclusion. Observe: |
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This is Ari on his High
School year book photo. |
 |
This is the
"mystery girl" he had a crush on. (If this is your
photo, sorry to break the news to you. I'm sure you're as shocked
as we are.) |
 |
This is the girl he liked
on a social/fun shot with her friends in the same year book, she
comes out a couple more times. |
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This is Ari's only other appearance in the year book. 'Nuff said. |
PART I
by Jouse Kidden, BS
January 26, 2006
Well here we are again and as promised, I bring you a tale of love and loss and everything pointless that happened in between. As Mr. Ari's official biographer, it falls on me to chronicle his many romantic conquests, the number of which I present here.
Zero and counting... or not.
Well to be fair there was that one close call when he came dangerously near to breaking his flawless record of romance monotony. This one however, can not in all fairness be tagged on his score sheet since he didn't actually conquer anything. Rather he was the one conquered. It was really no more of a victory than if a ten pound fish jumped out of the water and landed on a sleeping fisherman's boat all on its own.
Perhaps I should begin with the events that led to this so called “romance”.
A few years after Ari made his glorious arrival on American shores, his family decided that Miami was about as fun as a roller coaster ride after a chili-eating contest. This led them to pack their second-hand bags and move their operation south to the Florida Keys, a strip of land just wide enough to accommodate two rows of annoying tourist cars and a few houses.
Well this was a heaven-sent to Ari who had been enjoying Miami schools like a worm enjoys a fishing trip (Don't ask why I keep using fishing similes, I don't know. I don't like to fish.) From school bullies sticking their fingers in his food to watching a kid pull out a gun from his backpack, Ari felt his life expectancy was getting notoriously short as a Miami student so he whole-heartedly welcomed the chance to live to see the legal age.
The family settled in a small trailer on Key Largo and proceeded to live what can only be described as the life equivalent of a Thomas Kinkade painting; pretty, peaceful and not all that exciting. It was also around this time that Ari ceased to be an only child as his family was blessed by the arrival of a baby sister who brought joy and happiness and endless streams of baby puke to Ari's life. Only those who have cared for babies know the strange sensation of holding a baby over your shoulder and feeling a sudden warmth running down your back as your realize that lunch has been “Returned to Sender”.
Well nothing much happened during this time other than Ari moving from house to house, or in his case, from trailer to house to trailer. Around this time he managed to make it into high school where he immediately adopted the social life of a cactus and became rather busy doing squat. High school, however, can be a funny place and this particular one had such sociable people that in spite of his best efforts, Ari ended up with a few friends after a while.
Females, for some reason, seem to be attracted to artistic talent, even when housed within someone as utterly uninteresting as Ari. It was not uncommon, therefore, to see our conquering hero sitting down on a desk sketching away and surrounded by a flock of high school girls. Were you to ask which one of them was dating him, however, the reaction from said girls would be akin to having been asked which one of them is dating the Statue of Liberty. Sure it's an interesting artifact, but nothing anyone would consider taking out to dinner.
Ari did have some romantic interests at the time, I must say. He has confessed having a crush on one of his female friends (He had a few), a girl who might or might not have been interested in Ari romantically. However, we will never know because the guy wouldn't have asked a girl on a date to save his life. Fear of rejection is a common malady among males, but only Ari elevated it to an art form and nominated it for an official psychological phobia classification: letsjustbefriendophobia.
To his credit, Ari was beginning to become more sociable and by now even had a circle of friends, girl-he-had-a-crush-on included. He even argues that given enough time he would have asked her out. Well, you might as well say that given enough time a piece of coal turns into a diamond. Sure, it's true, but do you really want to sit around and wait for it? Well, either way, time is something he did not have because around the end of his sophomore year, Ari's family was once again on the move, and this time, they went clear across the sea.
Coming Next: Ari Swings... and Misses. Part
II.
Ari crosses the Bermuda Triangle and tries the life Caribbean.