Mythangelo | Acute Mythangelosis

Author’s Note: This posting was originally called “There’s a Donut Around my Hole”… but I think we can all agree that would have been an unfortunate choice of words.

I like donuts.

I used to eat them all the time until that tragic day when I realized I was spending 15 bucks a week in what was essentially a piece of dough bathed in sugar with a big hole in the middle. Now I only buy them once a week, which is healthier for me and my budget.

My favorites, of course, are Krispy Kreme, however I will settle for Dunkin at the absence of the aforementioned. There is, in fact, a Dunkin Donuts store open 24 hours and on the way to where I work, so you can imagine how difficult it is not stopping there every day. Hey, it’s all mind over batter. (Yes, it’s a bad pun, but I didn’t see you come up with it and it took me a whole paragraph to set it up so I’ll be damned If I’m not gonna use it.)

Now, the thing that has always bugged me about donuts is the big hole in the center. Why is there a hole in my donut? Who put it there and why? Those history books frugal enough to dwell into the origins of the donut will tell you that some guy named Hansen Gregory, who had nothing to do with the popular Mmmmbop music group of those three blonde sisters back in the nineties… huh?… oh… three brothers…you sure? Even the little one? Well, it was an honest mistake.

Anyway.

So Hansen Gregory claims to have invented the hole in the donut back in 1847 while he worked on a ship. Of course, claiming you invented the hole in the donut is a lot like claiming you invented the corners in the box.

Personally, I think it is rather convenient and I sustain that the hole in the donut is nothing more than an early Corporate strategy to increase revenues without raising prices, much like getting you to rent a car and then charging you an additional fee for the miles you drive in it. I base this theory in the fact that if you walk into a donut shop, be it Dunkin or Krispy, you will see rows and rows of delicious donuts and right next to them, maybe a few shelves down so you wont make the connection right away, they’re selling the donut HOLES!

Yes! The actual holes of the donut! For sale! What the hell is that all about? If I buy a dozen donuts, you can’t try to sell me the dozen holes that should have been in the donuts to begin with! That would be like buying a pizza and finding out it has a hole in the middle. You go back to Pizza Hut and complaint, “There’s a damn hole in my pizza!” The drone behind the counter replies “Dude… let me get the manager.” The manager comes and he’s only slightly smarter than the drone, but at least he has an answer.

-“Yes, the center of the pizza is sold separately now, we call them Pizza Holes. Would you like to buy one?”
-“No I don’t want to buy a Pizza Hole, I want the rest of my pizza!”
-“That is your pizza, sir. Pizzas are shaped like that now.”
-“There’s a hole in it!”
-“Would you like to buy one of our Pizza Holes?”
-“No!”
-“Is there anything else I can do for you, sir?”
-“Yes! You can sell me a real pizza!”
-“You already have a pizza, sir. Would you like to buy a…”
-“F#@k you!”
-“Have a nice day, sir.”

Dunkin Donuts apparently realized how stupid it is to sell the missing part of something that only has a hole in the center because you purposely made it with a hole. So they don’t call their Donut Holes, Donut Holes, they call them munchkins…. Bullshit! They’re donut holes! Put them back in my damn donuts and quit trying to rip me off!

I mean, what is the purpose of that hole in the donut anyway? Donuts come in boxes, not inserted on a toilet paper tube. The hole has not functional use. And don’t even start with the nudist guy and the two cups of coffee cause there ain’t no one gonna eat those donuts anyway.

So the next time you walk into a donut shop, make sure you tell them loud and clear, “NO, I don’t want a donut hole, I want a whole donut, damit!! Oh, and a large Caramel Latte, please…extra whip cream.”

I did learn something useful from my extensive study and meditation on the folly of the donut hole. I learned that many people are just like the holes in your donuts. This is deep so pay attention.

Many people, like holes in a donut, are such that their worth lays not on themselves, but on that or those who surround them. In essence, they’re pretty much worthless without their buddies around them. I think we all knew a kid like that. in High School.

Well, I think I came dangerously close to being insightful back there so I’ll quit while I’m pointless.

Originally Published 08/28/2009

I was looking through my archives last night and I came across this cute little poem. Yes, believe it or not it is an original, written by me a few years ago. It us considered by many experts… ok, mostly by me, to be a true American Classic right up there with Tom Sawyer, Norman Rockwell and Hustler Magazine.

OK, here it goes:

One Night by Lili Lake

A Love Poem by Mythangelo

There is a lake in Lili Town
Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down.
The water’s blue, the grass is green,
Sometimes the water’s almost clean.

But once in May of sixty-three,
I was in love with Clara Lee.
We used to go down to the lake,
and all night long we’d stay awake.
We’d see the sky and dream our dreams,
of love and birds and clouds of cream.

And on that fateful night of May,
We went alone and I would say
I never saw a better night,
The mood was set the time was right.

I looked into her eyes of blue,
and told her “Clara, I long for you.
I love you Clara, You know I do,
But tomorrow I’m marrying Mary Lou.”

She jumped into the lake that night.
Perhaps the time was not quite right…
They found her body but all the same
I’ll never drink from that lake again.

Originally Published 08/28/2009

Acute Mythangelosis

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I Don’t Do Weekends.

There’s a Hole in my Donut

One Night by Lili Lake