Once again it’s Monday and no one has called me to apologize for this. I just think I deserve at least that, you know, a small apology for having to put up with this miserable day. I don’t demand much, it doesn’t even have to be the President that calls, I’d settle for a senator. Hell, I’ll take an intern. Come think of it, a lot of guys would gladly take an intern. But, it didn’t happen and It doesn’t look like it will so I will have to take my Monday and keep going without as much as a word of comfort.

Well, just because I am miserable doesn’t mean I can’t offer you a kind word of encouragement or two. Here is some motivation for you, hopefully it will help you deal with the curse of Monday… I know it did jack for me.

It is a fact that sometime today, no matter what you do or how careful you plan your schedule, you will have to deal with at least one asshole. Hey, don’t blame me, I didn’t arrange this and I don’t make the rules, it is simply a matter of probabilities. The world as we know it is saturated with imbeciles. There are more assholes in a single block of any given city than a well skilled proctologist will see in his lifetime.

So, what I’m getting at, your day will start a lot better if you just accept the fact that at least one of these mentally mis-wired cretins are going to cross your path sooner or later. You will be able to plan for the encounter and make sure there are exit routes available at all times. One thing to remember is, the earlier you can arrange this meeting, the better off you will be. Why? It’s simple. The later in the day you encounter an asshole, the more people he’s had a chance to piss off before he gets to you. The law of probabilities also states that at least one of these people is going to be mentally unhinged and will eventually come after him with some sort of high power explosives. Which means that the later you run across this sad mistake of nature, the higher your chances of getting hit by shrapnel and possibly getting blood splattered on your Old Navy shirt. Who wants that kind of aggravation, really?

Also, you should always consider the possibility that the asshole might be you, in which case, I will count this as my one encounter of the day and don’t worry about it anymore. Take care!

Originally Published 09/14/2009

Man I can barely see straight. I was up until late working on a project. This, however, doesn’t mean I am going to leave you to your fate as you head out into the big bad world. Today’s motivational thought is actually a bit of practical advice for those of you who work your nine to five in an office. Yes, it beats working as a roofer or a sewage plant manager or even a cage cleaner at the zoo, but it still entails risks. That’s right, because staplers can be deadly if not used correctly and everyone knows that a shredder is a lethal weapon if left within reach of the wrong person… like your boss.

So my advice today goes to those bold knights of the pen organizer who brave the treacherous lands of sticky notes and mouse pads. When it comes to the office, there is no place more treacherous than the break room. It’s a dark and dangerous lair where shady deals are made and questionable characters trade in dirty secrets regarding the Receptionist and the Financial Manager and all the time they spend in the copy room after hours. But to find real treachery, you have to go further than the tables and the coffee machine and the microwave over that hasn’t worked since the Civil War.

You have to go to the refrigerator.

That’s right, because no other place is witness to so much treachery and back-stabbing as your break room’s refrigerator. Yes, it’s a dirty thing and it barely even keeps anything cold but where else are you going to keep your humus until lunch time? And inevitably at some point you will be tempted to take something really good to work, like your grandmothers beef casserole or that last piece of flan from last night’s party at Pepe’s. But you know that on the day you do that, you will not get any work done, cause every five minutes you will need to run back to the break room and make sure some sneaky bastard didn’t steal your treasure. Well here’s my bit of advice to you for such a situation.

Always, always, always use a decoy.

That’s right, take something else with you that looks really good but is in fact a rotting insult to nature, like that slice of cake that has been sitting on your fridge since before the invention of the DVD. Place that item in front of the real treasure, in a very visible and inviting way. You see cake can stay looking good forever, even after it starts tasting like dead maggots and while your victim goes for the decoy and curses life after the first bite, your treasure is safely hidden in a bag right under their nose.

But lets say you have nothing like that at hand, maybe you’re one of those freaks that cleans their fridge regularly. Not to fear. In that case you can always set-up your decoy by hiding the real treasure behind a regular piece of pie… laced with a healthy dose of laxatives.

One last thing. If you do decide to follow this advice, you might want to stay clear of the bathrooms for the rest of the day. Have a good one!

Originally Published 09/15/2009

I feel I must apologize to… well, I guess anyone who’s bored enough to read this stuff on a regular basis. I have been engrossed in a project for the last three days and in order to meet my deadline I had to neglect many things; my novel, my family, World of Warcraft, personal hygiene and yes, my blog. But that’s all over and I’m back to the old grindstone, hoping all my hard work pays off. For those of you interested to see the fruits of my labor, you can go to mythangelo.deviantart.com and look for the art piece titled Built2Rock. Yes, it might look simple but it took a lot of work.

Anyway, so we’re two days away from yet another weekend and I have that ever present dilemma heading my way: what to do? What do I do on the weekend? Where do I go? It happens every Friday, like a bad rash that keeps coming back. Work is over and yet I have one more important decision to make. Do I go out? Do I stay home? Do I spend money? Do I have any money to spend?

A lot of times the answer to that last one is a huge resounding “no”, and that kind of solves the entire thing right then and there as I realize I am in for two days of World of Warcraft and pizza. If I’m lucky they have the 2 liter coke bottles on special at the Dollar General and I can get a drink with that pizza.

But what about the weekends when I actually have a little money to spend? You know, it happens! Some freak accident caused me to keep my finances straight for a whole week and lo and behold, weekend comes and I have not wasted all of my money in trivialities like, oh I don’t know, groceries and diapers. So here I am, money in the wallet and a decision to make. I could go the responsible way and stay home, save my money and maybe have something to buy breakfast come Monday. But I’m not going to do that. These opportunities are too few and precious to waste them with things like mature decisions and responsible behavior.

Hey, I could leave town. Why not? I have a good car, the same car responsible for the fact that most weekends I don’t have the cash to buy a beer can from a hobo. But when I do have money, at least I have the option of skipping town. And that opens up my choices that much more. A lot more, in fact.

You see, where I live we have essentially two choices for entertainment. We can go watch a movie in one of our two third rate theaters, an activity which involves the risks of food poisoning and becoming permanently attached to the impossibly sticky floor, or we can go hang out at the local book store and renew our Geek Club Membership. Yes, we do have one mall, but you can see all of it in the time it takes to shave a baby.

No, I never shaved a baby, but I imagine it can’t take too long.

Well, It is obvious that you have no intention of helping me with my dilemma so I’ll let you go deal with your own. After all, I still have two more days to figure this out. Then again, right now it’s looking like it’s going to be a “no money” weekend so I might not have a dilemma after all. Have a great day!

Originally Published 09/17/09