For those of you who refuse to read or listen to the news, and I completely understand your position, there was an announcement today that Walt Disney Co. is going to be purchasing Marvel Entertainment Inc. for the amount of four billion dollars in cash and stocks. Yes, you read right, and no, this is not some sick Monday joke. The mouse is buying Marvel along with all the characters currently owned by comic book power house.
Well this is, of course, a tragedy that makes the Age of Apocalypse seem like a summer vacation (if you don’t know what I’m talking about you’re not a Marvel fan and you could care less about this particular issue, go watch High School Musical or something) and the Mutant Massacre seem like a paper cut. So far the Bored of Directors from both companies have approved this nonsense and we are awaiting stock holder votes and for someone to cry “antitrust”.
Meanwhile, I thought I’d make some predictions regarding the changes we can expect due to this unnatural coupling between a mouse and a wolverine and the strange mutations that will result from it.
-A new video game will soon be released for all platforms. Toy Story vs. Marvel Heroes. It will be unwise to pit Woody against Wolverine being that one of them is made of wood and the other has built-in carving knives but other than that it should be fun. The final showdown will be Andy’s mom against Magneto.
-Hannah Montana will become a mutant and gain the ability to actually change her appearance at will, rather than just getting different color hair and hoping everyone is stupid enough not to notice that everything else stays the same.
-The Haunted Mansion ride in the Disney parks will be replaced by the X-Men’s Mansion, which should be just about as scary but with better special effects. Park visitors will tour the mansion in a shuttle resembling Charles Xavier’s wheelchair. For an additional fee, at the end of the ride you will be able to use Cerebro to track down and kill a random Dreamworks or DC Comics employee.
-Zack and Cody will be involved in a horrible lab accident involving gamma rays, the Legacy Virus and jelly beans and will end up merging into one single impossibly annoying child with green skin and vast destructive powers. Other than the green skin, this wont be much of a change but a showdown with the Hulk will be inevitable.
-Every Marvel comic from this point on will include a pull-out poster of either Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers. The first time this happens, every comic book collector in America will collectively puke themselves inside out and jump off a balcony.
-Kim Possible will join X-Factor but Ron Stoppable will naturally not be accepted since they have few openings for clumsy losers. This rejection will make Ron go mad and he’ll become the new Green Goblin who will last for about five minutes until he tries to fly off in his hover board and crashes into a tree.
-The Fantastic Four will die in a tragic accident involving Splash Mountain and smoked turkey legs. The new Fantastic Four will be formed by the three Jonas Brothers and Raven and the team will be renamed the Obnoxious Four. Their greatest nemesis will be Doctor Ratings.
-Deadpool’s name will be deemed too gloomy for younger audiences and will be changed to Sickpool. He will also become the front man for Noxzema.
-Yyet another High School Musical movie will be release, except it will be called Xavier’s Mutant School Musical with a whole new twist. With any luck, Ashley Tisdale will be invisible, Vanessa Hudgens will be covered in blue fur and Zac Efron will be wearing Cyclops’ glasses so we can all stop being annoyed by his wacky someone-squeezed-lemon-on-my-face eyes.
-Most of the Marvel characters will be seen walking around the Disney parks signing autographs. This will last until Wolverine “accidentally” impales some annoying whinny kid with his claws.
Feel free to make your own predictions.
Originally Published 08/31/2009
