I found out the other day that Louis Leterrier, better known as the director of the Transporter movies and the most recent Incredible Hulk cinematographic catastrophe, will be helming a remake of the fantasy classic Clash of the Titans.

For those of you not old enough or geeky enough to know about this film, it was released in 1981 and directed by Desmond Davis, better known for… pretty much nothing else, except a long list of TV productions.

The original Clash of the Titans is considered by many prominent experts in the field, including myself of course, to be one of the finest Greek Mythology films ever made, even if the title is misleading (there are no Titans in the film, only Gods) and Medusa’s blood looks suspiciously like spaghetti sauce. Also, if we’re going to be anal about it, the Kraken, which Perseus kills at the end of the film to rescue the gorgeous Andromeda, is actually a sea monster from Norwegian Mythology and is never mentioned in the Perseus/Andromeda myth, but that’s also a minor issue. As is the weird mechanical owl Hephaestus builds for Perseus.

The point is, overall the film sticks pretty closely to the myth and features special effects that were cutting edge at the time.

Press forward to 2010. Some director whose better achievements include fast cars, slow plots and a green radioactive monster no one seems to care about, decides to do a remake. He keeps the name, still doesn’t put any actual Titans in the Clash of the Titans, but this time sends Perseus to the underworld…

This is the Yahoo Synopsis and I am really hoping they got it wrong.

Ok… Perseus was NEVER in the Underworld, his family was NOT killed by Hades and he certainly did not fight Hades to keep him from taking over Olympus because Hades never tried to take over Olympus.  Sadly, this is the second time I see Hades portrayed as a villain and this director seems to have pulled his plot straight from Walt Disney’s Hercules, one of the most inaccurate Greek Mythology-based films ever made, even if it was wildly entertaining (James Woods as Hades is still one of my favorite villains).

I was willing to forgive the Disney version mainly because it is, after all, a cartoon. I could write an entire week of blogs on how many things are wrong with that film, but I’ve watched it dozens of times and I love it anyway. My issue with this remake, is the same issue most people have with remakes of some of the best classics: it is unnecessary. Much like the remakes of Planet of the Apes and The Day the Earth Stood Still were unnecessary. In fact I think most movies with Keannu Reeves are unnecessary.

My even bigger issue with this particular remake is that, if Yahoo’s synopsis is right, it is blatantly ignoring the source material.  Mainly, by bringing together two story lines from Greek Mythology that never crossed paths, and by portraying Hades as a villain.

Hades, the God of the Underworld, is never represented in Greek Mythology as an evil God. If anything, he was a moody and depressed God. Call him the original emo.  Unlike his two brothers Zeus and Poseidon, he didn’t get to pick his job; he got what was left.

This is what happened. (If you already know the story or are just not interested in a free lesson in Mythology, you can stop reading now)

The Olympians had just won the war against the Titans, having kicked their titanic asses all the way back to the center of the Earth, and were celebrating by drinking lots of Ambrosia, which is the Olympian version of a Margarita, and dividing the world among themselves. The three main brothers were Zeus, Poseidon and Hades. They also had three sisters, Hera, Demeter and Hestia (yes, Zeus married his sister, get over it, this was Olympus, Alabama) but they didn’t get to participate cause Zeus was a chauvinistic jackass and had all three of them in the kitchen preparing the Margaritas.

So the three top dogs sit around and play a game of Poker… or something to that effect, to figure out who gets to pick their cubicle first. Zeus, who is always pushing everyone around because he thinks he’s got the biggest… uh… thunderbolt, wins and gets to pick first. Naturally, he claims the skies as his own, proclaims himself king of the Gods and proceeds to have sex with every female within sight, human or divine. Any time he shows up after this in a myth, he is either trying to get into someone’s pants or doing his best to keep his wife/sister from killing whoever owns the pants he just got into.

Moving on.

Poseidon wins second pick and he’s cool with not getting the sky cause he doesn’t like it all that much. He’s a seafood lover and enjoys long walks by the beach. He promptly claims domain over the entire ocean, which gives him plenty of real estate and a whole lot of lobster and cute mermaids. Poseidon is just about as promiscuous as Zeus but gets to do it less often mainly because all that sea water tends to cram his style and shrink his… possibilities. He takes a dive into his realm after this and only emerges every now and then to chase down some human girl or ruin Odysseus’ adventures.

Hades apparently was not too keen on the rules of Poker and never realized his two brothers were just bluffing so, naturally, he lost. He got stuck with the only thing that was left, the Underworld, which was not only dark, gloomy and a little moldy but also full of dead people.  Regardless, he takes his new gig, sets up shop in Tartarus and hires three old hags called the Fates to handle his appointments.  His most prominent break from this job happens when he decides that if he’s going to play undertaker to the whole damn planet, he wants to at least get laid regularly like his brothers.

After trying several dating services and coming to the conclusion that “Hey baby, wanna come live in my underground kingdom of darkness with a bunch of dead people?” was not as effective a pickup line as he had expected, he loses patience and decides to just kidnap a girl.  This is the one and only time Hades plays the villain in a myth and in the end he doesn’t even get to keep his girl full time. The reason for this, is that unfortunately the girl he kidnaps is Persephone, daughter of Demeter (and yes, his niece, which is not as bad as Zeus marrying his sister… ok, maybe it is). Demeter is not longer preparing Margaritas. Instead she is running the entire natural world including the weather and is not known for her patience.

Well, naturally, mommy is not happy with his baby girl’s forceful relocation so she promptly brings about a planet-wide ice age.  This concerns Zeus tremendously because in the frozen wasteland the world has become, humans are dropping dead like flies and if all the human girls die, he might be forced to have sex with his wife.

So Zeus, who incidentally is also Persephone’s daddy (this is one disfunctional family, I know) gets Hades on the phone and lets him know he’s got to return the girl or else he will send the D.E.P. after him. Hades whines and groans but finally says, “Fine, I’ll go get her.” Ten minutes later he gets back on the phone and lets Zeus know Persephone ran across the Underworld’s country buffet and because of some ancient rule… or maybe a rule Hades made up on the spot, she has to stay in the Underworld until her check clears through… or for all eternity, whichever comes first.

Well after many treaties and negotiations and lawyer fees, Persephone is allowed to return home to her mother, but she only gets to stay for six months and then she spends the other six months back in the Underworld.  Demeter is not happy with this arrangement but Zeus is still in charge and he tells her it’s a done deal. In retaliation Demeter creates Wisconsin… no, wait… the seasons. Basically the half of the year that Persephone spends in the underworld everyone in the surface gets to wear coats, shovel snow and go skiing in Aspen… or freeze to death instead, whatever.The rest of the year, Persephone comes home to mommy and that’s what we call Spring and Summer.

So next time you look outside and the flowers are blooming and the sun is shinning and the birds are singing just remember, down in the Underworld, Hades isn’t getting any.

Originally Published 08/27/2009

I was just reading in the news about some clown in Mexico who hijacked a plane using a can of juice and a Bible. Apparently he threatened that either his demands were met or he would burp the ten commandments at them. That might be inaccurate…

Now, wait a minute… a can of juice? I’m not an explosives expert but I think there is a difference or two between TNT and Tropicana. Although I suppose you could hide a bomb inside a carton of Minute Maid, but there must be a reason why Al Qaida never tried that trick.

So, anyway, this Bolivian fellow, Jose Flores, waits for the plane to land (cause you don’t wanna do something stupid like hijacking a plane in mid-flight and risk an accidental crash) stands up and announces that he’s carrying a bomb of the specially deadly brand of Juicy Fruit which will explode into fifty natural flavors if his demands are not met right now… or later, whatever, no rush. What are his demands? He wants the pilot to give him a scenic flying tour of Mexico City seven times and he want to speak to the President of Mexico, apparently to warn him that some religious nut job is planning to hijack a plane. Either that or something about an earthquake.

How did he know about the earthquake? Glad you asked. You see, this guy was not working alone and he said so, which resulted in several men who were guilty of nothing worse than buying a Playboy Magazine at the previous airport being removed from the plane in handcuffs. Fortunately, they have all been released and their magazines returned to them. No word on how long they will be sleeping on their couches, tho. Turns out that Mr. Flores did have three accomplices however, and he was willing to name them too, The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost. Once it was discarded that these may be nicknames for Bolivian drug gansters, it became obvious he was talking about the Christian Trinity.

Authorities think there might have been some other voices talking to him as well, but all the rest were smart enough to stay home that day.

So apparently at some point during the flight one of his three partners, I’m betting on the Father, told him that there was an earthquake coming and that meant, obviously, that he would have to hijack the plane with a can of Juicy Fruit and this would definitely get him an interview with the President. Cause, you know, the president meets with mentally unhinged people all the time. Well here in the U.S., he does, we call them congressmen.

Now I have to wonder… Why is it that any time “God” speaks to someone, he tells them to do something either shockingly violent, or like in this case, monumentally stupid? God told me to kill my relatives. God told me to kill my teacher. God told me to drive a car loaded with TNT into a Deli. God told me to gather a bunch of desperate people, make them my followers and them convince them all to drink battery acid for breakfast. God told me to hijack a plane with a can of juice!

You know, just once I would like to see a guy on TV with a squeegee going, “Why yes, Johnny, God spoke to me last week and told me to clean all the windows in the city with Original Windex. I’m almost done with downtown.” Why can’t someone come out one day and go “I spoke to Jesus last night and he told me we’re going to have a lovely day and also that I should bake four dozen oatmeal cookies and give them to my dog.”

And when was the last time Allah asked a Muslim to trim his beard a bit and buy his wife a nice dress in JCPenney?

It just seems to me that there’s a disproportionate number of people taking very questionable instructions from God these days. What is that all about? I mean, you can be crazy and still do something nice! Yeah! Why not?

So my call to you all guys and gals out there who have the privilege of having “God” on your fast dial, next time you get on the phone with him, try to steer the conversation towards more beneficial subjects. Let’s say God tells you to kill your neighbor and make a lawn ornament from his limbs, why not suggest an alternative? Just say, “Hey, that’s a really good idea, Lord, but how about I just buy him a new lawnmower instead so he’ll stop borrowing mine? Just an idea!” And who knows? God might like your innovative idea! I bet your neighbor will like it better too.

So remember, think outside the box, or at least just think, and next time God asks you to douse yourself in gasoline and run naked through a foundry, give him a new idea! Like sending a lot of money to your favorite blogger! Hey, it’s just an idea, ok? And it came to me in a dream… from Vishnu!

Originally Published 09/10/2009

I would like to take a brief moment to wish a very happy Birthday to my cousin Ileana who, today, crawls one year closer to senility. Ah, yes, you might think you’re still young and healthy and pretty… well, maybe not pretty… but one day soon you will wake up in the morning and notice something hurts that didn’t used to hurt before and then you will look in the mirror and there’s just the slightest wrinkle there where it used to be all smooth and that is how it all starts going to the pits. Next thing you know you’ll stop reading Vanity Fair and start reading the Bingo listings and meeting your friends for decaf coffee, no sugar please, I’ll use Equal, doctor’s orders. But hey! Don’t think about that stuff now! You’re still young! And it’s your birthday! So enjoy it!

…while you can.

Oh don’t be so gloomy!

So, the rest of you who are not having a birthday today and therefore do not need to worry about your imminent onslaught of senility and dependence on Social Security, I thought we could talk about this health bill thing that keeps making the news these days.

Alright, this is what I know about it. It’s long. It’s complicated. It makes people mad.

Sort of like your average man’s excuse for getting home at three in the morning, except parts of the health bill are actually believable.

I can’t even begin to try to comprehend what is it that we’re really trying to accomplish with this thing. For me, any problem that takes one thousand pages of legal gibberish to solve is better left alone. Then again, I tend to favor anything that makes Sarah Palin make a fool of herself. It’s kind of my secret hobby.

Well, since I am too lazy to read one thousand pages of health bill, I decided to lay out a plan of my own to overhaul the health care industry and make it more cost-efficient. Cause really, guys, at the end of the day, you can shuffle regulations and invent new rules and subsidize this or that but it is all about someone making more money or getting to keep more of the money they already have and that someone, I’m willing to bet, will never be you. So, as soon as we’re done here I’m mailing this proposal to the president for approval and I I’m confident it will do well.

Mythangelo’s Healthcare Plan

A new law will make it illegal for anyone in the United States of America to become sick in any way or for any reason whatsoever.

Anyone that becomes sick will be in violation of the law and therefore will have to be arrested. This will save money by combining ambulances and police cars into a single vehicle with a single driver who will randomly either provide you with emergency health care or beat you into a comma with his baton.

We can expect that at least in L.A., about forty percent of those who are arrested for being sick will be accidentally shot by the police for resisting arrest. This will even include a few that were already in a comma when the arresting officer/paramedic showed up. Again, this will obviously save money.

Another improvement is that all jails and hospital can now be combined into one single building, specially since presently, the only real difference between these two institutions is that in prison, the food is slightly better and so are your chances of survival.

Unfortunately, Double Jeopardy will apply, meaning that you can’t be treated for the same disease twice, which means that your doctor will have to come up with a new diagnosis and a whole new set of expensive drugs in spite of the fact that your symptoms are exactly the same as before. Come to think of it, that’s pretty much the way it is right now so never mind.

Well the rest of my proposal takes up roughly five hundred pages which is still a lot shorter than Obama’s but the real benefit of my plan is that the two biggest bloodsucking crooks in your life, your doctor and your lawyer, will finally be able to work out of the same office Yes, this means they will be perfectly positioned to suck out your money, soul and happiness twice as fast, but this is not about you, as you probably know by now and the point is, we are eliminating the cost of one receptionist. Kaccching!

Take that Obama!

Originally Published 09/11/2009