I was just reading in the news about some clown in Mexico who hijacked a plane using a can of juice and a Bible. Apparently he threatened that either his demands were met or he would burp the ten commandments at them. That might be inaccurate…

Now, wait a minute… a can of juice? I’m not an explosives expert but I think there is a difference or two between TNT and Tropicana. Although I suppose you could hide a bomb inside a carton of Minute Maid, but there must be a reason why Al Qaida never tried that trick.

So, anyway, this Bolivian fellow, Jose Flores, waits for the plane to land (cause you don’t wanna do something stupid like hijacking a plane in mid-flight and risk an accidental crash) stands up and announces that he’s carrying a bomb of the specially deadly brand of Juicy Fruit which will explode into fifty natural flavors if his demands are not met right now… or later, whatever, no rush. What are his demands? He wants the pilot to give him a scenic flying tour of Mexico City seven times and he want to speak to the President of Mexico, apparently to warn him that some religious nut job is planning to hijack a plane. Either that or something about an earthquake.

How did he know about the earthquake? Glad you asked. You see, this guy was not working alone and he said so, which resulted in several men who were guilty of nothing worse than buying a Playboy Magazine at the previous airport being removed from the plane in handcuffs. Fortunately, they have all been released and their magazines returned to them. No word on how long they will be sleeping on their couches, tho. Turns out that Mr. Flores did have three accomplices however, and he was willing to name them too, The Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost. Once it was discarded that these may be nicknames for Bolivian drug gansters, it became obvious he was talking about the Christian Trinity.

Authorities think there might have been some other voices talking to him as well, but all the rest were smart enough to stay home that day.

So apparently at some point during the flight one of his three partners, I’m betting on the Father, told him that there was an earthquake coming and that meant, obviously, that he would have to hijack the plane with a can of Juicy Fruit and this would definitely get him an interview with the President. Cause, you know, the president meets with mentally unhinged people all the time. Well here in the U.S., he does, we call them congressmen.

Now I have to wonder… Why is it that any time “God” speaks to someone, he tells them to do something either shockingly violent, or like in this case, monumentally stupid? God told me to kill my relatives. God told me to kill my teacher. God told me to drive a car loaded with TNT into a Deli. God told me to gather a bunch of desperate people, make them my followers and them convince them all to drink battery acid for breakfast. God told me to hijack a plane with a can of juice!

You know, just once I would like to see a guy on TV with a squeegee going, “Why yes, Johnny, God spoke to me last week and told me to clean all the windows in the city with Original Windex. I’m almost done with downtown.” Why can’t someone come out one day and go “I spoke to Jesus last night and he told me we’re going to have a lovely day and also that I should bake four dozen oatmeal cookies and give them to my dog.”

And when was the last time Allah asked a Muslim to trim his beard a bit and buy his wife a nice dress in JCPenney?

It just seems to me that there’s a disproportionate number of people taking very questionable instructions from God these days. What is that all about? I mean, you can be crazy and still do something nice! Yeah! Why not?

So my call to you all guys and gals out there who have the privilege of having “God” on your fast dial, next time you get on the phone with him, try to steer the conversation towards more beneficial subjects. Let’s say God tells you to kill your neighbor and make a lawn ornament from his limbs, why not suggest an alternative? Just say, “Hey, that’s a really good idea, Lord, but how about I just buy him a new lawnmower instead so he’ll stop borrowing mine? Just an idea!” And who knows? God might like your innovative idea! I bet your neighbor will like it better too.

So remember, think outside the box, or at least just think, and next time God asks you to douse yourself in gasoline and run naked through a foundry, give him a new idea! Like sending a lot of money to your favorite blogger! Hey, it’s just an idea, ok? And it came to me in a dream… from Vishnu!

Originally Published 09/10/2009

I would like to take a brief moment to wish a very happy Birthday to my cousin Ileana who, today, crawls one year closer to senility. Ah, yes, you might think you’re still young and healthy and pretty… well, maybe not pretty… but one day soon you will wake up in the morning and notice something hurts that didn’t used to hurt before and then you will look in the mirror and there’s just the slightest wrinkle there where it used to be all smooth and that is how it all starts going to the pits. Next thing you know you’ll stop reading Vanity Fair and start reading the Bingo listings and meeting your friends for decaf coffee, no sugar please, I’ll use Equal, doctor’s orders. But hey! Don’t think about that stuff now! You’re still young! And it’s your birthday! So enjoy it!

…while you can.

Oh don’t be so gloomy!

So, the rest of you who are not having a birthday today and therefore do not need to worry about your imminent onslaught of senility and dependence on Social Security, I thought we could talk about this health bill thing that keeps making the news these days.

Alright, this is what I know about it. It’s long. It’s complicated. It makes people mad.

Sort of like your average man’s excuse for getting home at three in the morning, except parts of the health bill are actually believable.

I can’t even begin to try to comprehend what is it that we’re really trying to accomplish with this thing. For me, any problem that takes one thousand pages of legal gibberish to solve is better left alone. Then again, I tend to favor anything that makes Sarah Palin make a fool of herself. It’s kind of my secret hobby.

Well, since I am too lazy to read one thousand pages of health bill, I decided to lay out a plan of my own to overhaul the health care industry and make it more cost-efficient. Cause really, guys, at the end of the day, you can shuffle regulations and invent new rules and subsidize this or that but it is all about someone making more money or getting to keep more of the money they already have and that someone, I’m willing to bet, will never be you. So, as soon as we’re done here I’m mailing this proposal to the president for approval and I I’m confident it will do well.

Mythangelo’s Healthcare Plan

A new law will make it illegal for anyone in the United States of America to become sick in any way or for any reason whatsoever.

Anyone that becomes sick will be in violation of the law and therefore will have to be arrested. This will save money by combining ambulances and police cars into a single vehicle with a single driver who will randomly either provide you with emergency health care or beat you into a comma with his baton.

We can expect that at least in L.A., about forty percent of those who are arrested for being sick will be accidentally shot by the police for resisting arrest. This will even include a few that were already in a comma when the arresting officer/paramedic showed up. Again, this will obviously save money.

Another improvement is that all jails and hospital can now be combined into one single building, specially since presently, the only real difference between these two institutions is that in prison, the food is slightly better and so are your chances of survival.

Unfortunately, Double Jeopardy will apply, meaning that you can’t be treated for the same disease twice, which means that your doctor will have to come up with a new diagnosis and a whole new set of expensive drugs in spite of the fact that your symptoms are exactly the same as before. Come to think of it, that’s pretty much the way it is right now so never mind.

Well the rest of my proposal takes up roughly five hundred pages which is still a lot shorter than Obama’s but the real benefit of my plan is that the two biggest bloodsucking crooks in your life, your doctor and your lawyer, will finally be able to work out of the same office Yes, this means they will be perfectly positioned to suck out your money, soul and happiness twice as fast, but this is not about you, as you probably know by now and the point is, we are eliminating the cost of one receptionist. Kaccching!

Take that Obama!

Originally Published 09/11/2009