Today has been such an uneventful day, I literally have nothing to write about. Not a single thing. If I were Shakespeare and I had to write a play today, the actor would walk on stage, yawn, and walk back out. I am completely and wholly uninspired, unmotivated and unapologetic. But that never stopped a good writer. Because a good writer should be able to write about anything even when that anything is nothing at all. So just for today I will pretend to be a good writer and do my best to give you nothing.

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Well it’s the long weekend and for me it starts today so there will not be any postings this evening… unless something really cool happens and I just have to tell you about it. However, here is your Mythoscope for those of you poor souls who have been stuck at home drinking green tea and awaiting my enlightenment since yesterday. You are now free once more.

The Mythoscope. 2 of 3

Scorpio
A close family member will die this month… no wait. Sorry, we were looking at the constellation upside down. That’s not right at all. OK, here it is. A close family member will KILL YOU, this month. Well, aren’t you relieved…

Pisces
You will have an unexpected guest this month, most likely a skunk, although it could be your lawyer (they look the same on our charts). Either way, it’s gonna stink. Take the initiative to be proactive and do absolutely nothing today, the rewards will be immediate. Your lucky numbers are the phone numbers of your local pizza place and the Shopping Network.

Virgo
An old secret will come back to haunt you very soon. Face it like a man and stop whinnying about the uselessness of contraceptives. If you are a woman, ignore the previous statement, instead, you will win a small prize at the local lottery, but the IRS will keep most of it. Your lucky numbers are 27 12 34 3 5 and 10… but those are not the ones you will win the lottery with.

Capricorn
The ties that have held you down and kept you from feeling free and fulfilled will be taken away this month. When this happens, remember to check in with your parole officer within 24 hours and don’t leave the state. Also, your uncle’s cousin’s sister-in-law’s fifth grade math teacher will break a leg while playing monopoly. It will be completely irrelevant to you.

While digging around in my archives I came around these astrological predictions from back in 2005. Oddly enough, when I called the International ASSociation of ASSociated Horoscope ASSociates, they confirmed that all these predictions are every bit as accurate in 2009 as they were in 2005. How weird is that? Might have something to do with the rotation of the planets… or maybe bullshit’s half life is three years, who knows. Anyway, I will post them four at a time just so you wont overdose on my uncanny wisdom and foresight. If your sign is not listed here, don’t call me, my lawyer or my congressman about it as neither of us could care one bit about your future. Just wait and I will be posting yours in tomorrow’s blog entry or the one next day.

Meanwhile, since you have no idea what the future holds and you don’t really want to risk it, I would advice staying in bed with all the lights off drinking nothing but green tea until I get around to posting your sign’s prediction. Once you have been enlightened by my amazing connection to the universe, you may safely leave your house and resume your happy life. And now…

THE MYTHOSCOPE. part 1 of 3
Sagittarius
Good fortune smiles on you this month as the moon crosses Mars and Venus hops over Jupiter, trips and crashes into Saturn. You will receive a love letter from your high school sweetheart who is now a swimsuit supermodel. It will be addressed to your hideously ugly neighbor Bob who also lacks a personality and personal hygiene habits. Be a good sport and take it over to him. NOTE: If you’re a woman, Bob is your husband. I’m sorry. Burn the letter as soon as you get it.

Taurus
Your mother-in-law will call this month. Her house is being treated for termites, fleas and vampire bats, so she needs a place to stay. Now is the right time to take that vacation to explore the Australian outback you’ve been dreaming of. Send a postcard to your lawyer while you’re there, you’ll need his services when you get back.
Aquarius
Your mailbox will overflow this month. Ninety-nine percent of it will be spam. You will also get an e-mail with an interesting and potentially profitable offer, but you will accidentally delete it while trying to get rid of all that spam. By the way, If you give us your address, we can send this horoscope straight to your mailbox, and then share your email with our two hundred-thousand partners who have a variety of valuable and reasonably priced crap to sell you.

Cancer
Fortune smiles on you and you will make some extra money this month… but the IRS will keep most of it and your spouse will divorce you and take whatever’s left. Try not to see life as a series of calamities, instead, see it as one large calamity with small, annoying commercial breaks. Also, someone stole your remote control.

Originally Published 09/03/2009