There aren’t enough therapists in the world…

I was watching the Pixar movie “Monsters University” the other night, because my kid is currently watching it on a back to back daily marathon, making my Vudu investment a very good one. Now, some people watch a movie like that and think, “That’s cool. I need more dip for my nachos.”

Some people, however, read way too much into what is probably just a simple story of learning to accept yourself and discovering your own strengths in the process. I am one of those people.

Because while everyone was marveling at how much better Sully’s fur looks compared to the first Monsters Inc. movie, I was coming to the conclusion that the entire world of Monstropolis is actually an allegory for the United States government and their surveillance program.

Of course, I am certain someone else has already come up with this theory, because I am not the only guy out here with enough spare time to over-analyze Disney movies, but I couldn’t come up with anything else to write about, so here it goes anyway.

The world of Monstropolis, evidently, is yet to discover fossil fuels, wind turbines, solar cells or nuclear fusion so they power their entire society using little yellow cans filled with energy derived from the frightened screams of little children. Not coincidentally, that’s also the way they power Disney parks. But I digress.

In order to extract the screams needed to power their world, the brave employees of Monsters Inc. have to go through a trans-dimensional portal accessed by means of a special door, which allows them to come out of the kids’ closets at night and scare the piss out of the unsuspecting tykes.

I have no problem with this, by the way. It’s a noble endeavor by my book and I would approve even if they did it just for kicks.

Each child has their own special door which, as we learn on the second movie, is built by the specially trained monsters who washed out of Scaring School and have to take this shitty major instead. So, basically, the guy in your college who changed to Liberal Arts half-way through the freshman year.

Along with having their own door, each child also has a file which contains the key to access the door (to prevent unauthorized scaring and/or snacking), a mug shot and detailed information on the child, including their unique fears. Something necessary for the professional scarer to be most effective.

Wait a minute.

A file with information on the child and their photo? How the hell did they get this? The only time we see the monsters entering the human world is either when they are banished, or when they go through the door to scare the kid, get the scream, and hightail out of there before the annoyed parents show up. (Side note: There is a second monster dimension that powers their whole universe with the frustrated, unspent sexual energy of those parents, but that’s a tale for a different and much, much sadder movie).

The thing is, if they have detailed information on each child, including their deepest fears, that means someone has to be gathering this information. Which means, Monsters Inc. is not only sneaking into the children’s bedrooms to scare them, but also has them under surveillance. A surveillance so secret and illegal, no one even mentions it in the movies. Somehow this feels familiar.

Meanwhile, the world of Monstropolis’ entire structure depends on those human children being in constant fear, because their fear provides monsters with energy to power their monster espresso machines. Which is why they have to periodically send a monster into the kid’s bedroom, (let’s call this particular monster, Fox N.) and scream “communists! terrorists! liberals!” at them. Or something. Maybe they just roar, whatever. Because they need that fear to keep their little show running.

One of the driving conflicts in the first movie is the fact that children are losing their fear, and this threatens Monstropolis’ entire way of life. No fear, no electricity, no espresso. So Monsters Inc. is forced to take drastic measures involving kidnapping and torture through waterboar…errr… forceful scream extraction. Oh yeah, and also, attempting to silence the whistle-blowers, first through exile and then attempted assassination. Monster drones were most likely cut out during post-production.

For a while, it looks like a pretty bleak future for both the human and monster worlds. But, hark! Behold that everything is solved at the end of the movie when the evil corporation is thwarted and children everywhere stop fearing the monsters and start laughing at them instead! Voila! Happy Pixar ending!

So, clearly, our own problems shall be solved when absolutely everyone learns, like many of us already have, to just laugh at the Fox News in your closet.